The advent of my adventures in online dating began roughly 10 years ago with a rather popular online dating website. Of course, I was much younger then, my hair was almost like hair that comes out of a fresh ear of corn … that part that everybody treats like pubes only mine was straight.
That’s when I met John out of nowhere . Well it was at Starbucks. I can’t remember what his username was anymore, it was such a long time ago. All I know was that he is taller than me by over a foot and he always wore Harley Davidson shirts and was “voluntarily bald”. I also remember that he had body hair like “dear lawd baby Jesus don’t let him sweat so much while we bang”.
It was my first time to meet anyone online in person but I wasn’t sure if it was his first. It may not have been his first because it seems like he appeared to be pretty relaxed . We ended the conversation with a hug and the following weekend he picked me up again to go winetasting. We made out inside the limo on our way home. That led to a two year relationship with John. It was a long distance relationship, however, because John was from out of town . I am from West Coast California and he is way over the East Coast. Fast-forward to two years, my relationship with John ended when I found out that he was married.
So my first experience with online dating was a disaster. I wondered why people even bother doing that. Whatever happened to meeting people the natural way? I continued working and try to forget about John and he eventually got divorced. He would sometimes get a hold of me and tell me that he went back to online dating and had met this Asian woman and had started dating again! Imagine that. At one point in time, he would drunk dial me and asked me for forgiveness and asked if I would ever take him back.
Honestly, it took me a while to move on after John. I rebounded on one guy a few months after. It was not fair. A few months after that I was finally able to live my life again. That was 2006, I was 29. From 2007 to 2009, my social life revolved around event planning for parties, hanging around with my friends, working , and mostly working on meeting people – men – in the real world.
That didn’t pan out well. On the days that I was at work, it was not very tantalizing to flirt around clients and their families plus it was not my routine to date my coworkers. At this stage, most of them are younger than me anyway. I prefer men that were at least five years older than me and preferably heterosexual AND not reeking of fresh folders and essence of hand sanitizers. At the end of the day, it was back at home and there was no one to talk to except of course the same people that I was talking to back at work, latest time through text messaging or through Facebook.
Oh, my children ARE home but they were always swamped with stuff.
Bottom line is, at the start of 2010, I ventured back into online dating as if it was Avon or Amway having a big sale. This time, I avoided the same website where I met John.
“Holy fuck! What is up with this so many questions?” I remember asking myself when I saw thee questions that you have the answer before you can even see your matches. I answered all of them anyway. These questions are supposed to help you find your matches. So I did them. Months after I became a member of this dating website, I decided to meet one of them. He was a man who lives about 45 minutes away from me. He invited me for coffee and to go watch a movie. I said, “oh wow, he looks like Tom Cruise !” the moment I saw one of his pictures in his profile.
“Heee! I better dress up for this!” I said to myself. So I got ready and headed over. He sent me the address to his house and looking on the GPS stating that the house was to the left side, I see this man wearing gray sweats waving at me as if to point where to park my car. He was about as short as I was , (I am a petite 5’2 ) almost looking like a midget with the sweats he was wearing . I totally imagined my face turning ash-gray and my eyes all black (or maybe white…whatever looks more freaked out). His house is the Mecca of where-the-fuck-do-you-sit-down? Total mess. I was breathing with my mouth open in my head. He then tells me he has been battling with depression… He didn’t look the part. We had coffee and *gulp* a movie.
I ran home like my ass was on fire.
Tom Cruise my ass.
Two different online dating sites. Oh, I’ve met a few more men here and there. One guy must’ve been talking to a few other girls and didn’t know what OR who he wanted he just wanted.
I have early Alzheimer’s.
I think. However I can pretty much recall these online dating snafus I get on! I mean they have not ALL been THAT horrible but hey, I think they are worth the read.
2011-2014 I took a little break from this Match.schlong / EHarm.me shindig as I was meeting guys in the “natural world” like a real primate.
FFW 2015. Ohhhh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
OK Shoot Me (Already) 