Blocked

Pervert Bob won’t leave me alone. All this time I thought I’ve blocked him on every social media where he can access me and blocked him on my cellphone. Today, he sends me a “hi there” on Yelp. 

This idiot has gone too far with all his lies and shit. All I expected was some respect . We were not officially dating and I made that quite clear with him. Fuck Buddies should still respect each other, otherwise, why be called buddies? 

One night about 1 month ago, he asked to see me after his company dinner (it was a Wednesday which was kinda odd as his company dinners happen on Fridays). I told him that I can see him after I have dinner with my family. It was around 7:30 pm when he messaged me . At 9:30, I sent him a text asking if we were still on. I never got a reply until 6pm the next evening.

“I just spent the night in jail.” His text went. “I got a DUI and I just got out late this afternoon. I missed work too.”

Initially gullible, I felt bad for him. We had a little banter about his DUI experience and he later said he didn’t want to discuss it anymore. Then, knowing how efficient of a liar he is, I logged in to Facebook and saw that he “liked” a few posts and reacted to a few in between 10 am and 2:30 pm that day. In my head I wasn’t surprised that this sonofabitch was lying again. 

Really, I didn’t care what he may have been up to the night before hence he couldn’t see me. All I expected was a “something came up”. I confronted him about the Facebook activity he had during the day and he started calling me names (idiot, skanky, loser) . He insisted that I didn’t know what I was talking about and that I was a pathetic loser. I gave him my point about just being honest and I wouldn’t have really minded if he couldn’t make it. He started “LOL’ing” and said I would still suck his penis no matter what.

Blocked. Blocked. Blocked.

A couple of days later, he messages me on Facebook Messenger. “Hey sexy. Are you horny ? Wanna fuck?” 

Blocked his 4-inch penis.

Today he finds me on Yelp with a “Hi there.” 

Blocked. 

This dirtbag owes me an apology and that’s it. I also don’t need it from him. I just want to throw him underneath all the other garbages in the dump truck. He’s more than 10 years older than me and he can’t straighten himself up. 

Please, if anyone has a fuck buddy, you don’t just fuck around with them and tell them things like “you’ll still suck my cock no matter what”. 

Dumbass. Heh.

New Gig

My apologies for not following through “to-be-continued blog. I have started working again! It took almost a year before I landed another job. It is so different from my last one but the good thing is I get a lot of exercise and I am not just sitting around and getting stressed out. I also get to meet a lot people.

It began when I created an account with this sell-your-stuff online. Although it is very unpredictable, I have been keeping myself busy making my website up-to-date and filled with different things to sell. My clothes, perfumes, shoes and even used underwear. I am sure this is not the first time that you would hear the possibility of used undies being sold. Ever since I started this gig, I have racked up about $200 worth of sales from used underwear. Even more I think. To be honest, there was a website where I posted this used underwear one time and I got numerous responses from strangers who were interested in seeing me wearing those undies and paying for it. Sensing that they were not really up to the payment part, I made it a point that they paid me through PayPal before they got the pictures that they wanted. I did not show my upper torso of course. There was just this one person who was really adamant about seeing the underwear being used and since I thought, it will be just like any other underwear being used without them seeing my face or the owner of underwear, I thought it was going to be safe. So this gentleman who wanted to purchase a picture of me wearing undies, sent me $25 through PayPal and I sent him a picture of me wearing the thongs. Easy money, I thought. Originally, I told him that I was going to charge him $50 if it included a picture of the undies beinh worn. However, this gentleman was not interested in purchasing the undies but more interested in seeing them being worn. He paid up, so he got what he asked for.

After a few minutes of being in that website and keeping a slow banter with some interested people, somebody must’ve flagged my profile and then eventually I got a note from that website saying that I am selling items that were not allowed in that website. Somebody must’ve flagged it I’m sure.

So onwards to my other online selling page. There has been a steady trickle of money/income coming from that website. I started my business from that website in 2016 December, and so far I’ve racked up about over $1500. It definitely helps to pay the bills, keeping my rent, and the occasional shopping for make up. 

I went on a date once in February but that was just plainly awkward. Canadian guy who I rushed for to meet. I was in the middle of my daily run when the message came through. We met for coffee at a local downtown shop and there wasn’t anything absolutely interesting about him except for the fact that he was just so boring. I guess just to change things up, after we had coffee, I asked me if I can go with him to target to help him find a humidifier for his home. I said that it’s fine and that Target that closest was just a few blocks away from where we were having coffee. Eventually, it started to rain so we decided to take his car. This gentleman drives an Audi S4… The music in his car when I went in was hip-hop and that kind of told me something about this gentleman. It may be wrong for me to judge people with the kind of music that they played in their car, but I am really more into jazz music and possibly more of an 80s 70s kind of girl. If I do judge people because of the music that they played in the car, that is just me and it is just my opinion. I know, it is everybody’s right to have their own opinion. After shopping for his humidifier, we headed back to his car. At the parking garage, he asked me if I felt like watching a movie today. I told him that yeah, I think I may have some time. He then told me that he had some movies saved up at his recorder at his house. Immediately I told him that I am not ready to go forward in that department yet, in the most subtle way possible. I honestly thought he was referring to going to the movies in the movie theater. Heading over to a guys house during the first date, specially if I do not feel anything sparkly… I usually leave it that can end up into something that I will most definitely regret. It’s going to be a waste of time. He took it easily and he dropprd me off to my car. Nice try, Canada.

By March this year, I am still actively involved in that website but then eventually one of my family members told me about this steakhouse about five minutes away from where I live . They do have an opening for a possible hostess or waitress. My previous profession was in healthcare … so you can imagine how much experience I have. 

I passed the interview and by the next week I started working and was on my training.

So by the beginning of March, let’s say I’m working again . Whooopdeedoo !!!

I was still on OkCupid and although not there as often as I used to be in my previous membership, there is a certain gentleman who asked for my number and gave me his number at the same time. He’s picture is 50-50 handsome and 50-50 ghetto. He has tattoos on both of his knuckles and who knows where else that goes through. I am not very partial guys to have a lot of unless they are absolutely chill, kind, funny, and very smart. I don’t meet that guy every day. As matter of fact I don’t even meet guys without tattoos like that every day. So one day before I started the week of my work at the restaurant, I was in my neighborhood parks taking a walk when he calls me. By the grace of God, I became the most patient individual listening to this man yak and yak about him being stuck in traffic on his way to San Francisco for a block party. He is about my age and with that being said, I did not really expect him to be the block party kind of person. Although he said that he provide security for the event, he sounded like he was on crystal meth and trying to deliver every single conversation that he could find in his head. There was just no stepping on the brakes with this guy talking on the phone. He was nice enough to invite me to join him at the block party after whatever I was doing. Again, gone were the days when I would go and attend parties where I would be around strangers that could gt really really get rowdy. The traffic is stopped and he hung up the phone. I continued with my park walk and enjoyed why I love the most: peace and quiet.

So it’s spring time now and the weather in California is getting really warm. My new job, I have met a few nice people and some that are just OK. Most of them are younger than me like in their early 20s and early 30s. Although I don’t feel like the oldest person, my previous experience from my old profession makes the work here a no-brainer.

I still need another job. This one is very part time and unpredictable. I have only been here less than 30 days so we shall see what happens next.

Young(er) Again

My age requirement online never goes below 39. At the most, I would give a higher consideration to men who are 5 years older than me. Women mature faster than men…maybe BUT a lot of them are still jackasses at 55. That myth IS a myth.

Or 75. It really doesn’t matter, I am so fucking jaded. Some of them are well-educated masters of this and that, however, being educated just in school isn’t being educated at all. I have dated men who were 15 years my senior…or even older to be my Dad. Ha! I experimented JUST to find Mr. Right. Most men over 60 just seem to start smelling old….bad pun. I know this because I worked around taking care of the elderly and dated a guy who was 60 when I was 29.

Most men.

Alright, back to where my point is and what this post is mainly about.

2 weeks ago, I attended a Yelp party with my buddy Dean at Downtown. He and I met at the venue. It was a holiday party for Elites and while we both waited to get inside, another Yelper – Gilbert – arrived who happened to have known Dean from the previous Yelp Elite events. Dean introduced us and we all had a fun night . It happened that this guy – he is a 6 footer black guy who can almost pass for Ne-Yo – also played in the same volleyball group that I belonged to.It’s also this same group where I used to date one of the big time players – Stan. The party finished at 9:30 PM. Dean was going all around and socializing. Gilbert stayed with me and we took each other’s pictures, etc. When we were all outside of the venue, Gilbert wanted to party some more but Dean said he had to go on. Later on, I received a text from Dean saying, “I don’t want to be a cock blocker.”. Oh well, I didn’t reply. Meanwhile, Gilbert and I ended up partying all night at a salsa club. Dancing is one activity I will always love to do. From his anecdotes, I figured that he was younger than me. It’s like he was in high school when I was already 22. While we were salsa dancing and I was sweating like AC/DC in mid-concert, kept twirling me around so he would be behind me. Heh, I just danced salsa. The only thing I grind is beef.

When we left the salsa club, we ended up hungry and went to a o24-hour diner. He paid for my drinks so I volunteered to pay for the food. We talked about the upcoming volleyball group event and agreed to see each other there. I gave him a hug when we parted at the parking lot. When he sent me a “Night, night” message later, he addressed me as “Gorgeous.”

We saw each other briefly at the volleyball event. He was playing in another net when I arrived. He is a very aggressive player. I only play for fun now. He acknowledged my presence when he was jumping to play in another net. I walked to him after 1 game to give him a hug.

I’m sure you may have noticed how much of a hugger I am. I left the event with a few older men who I played with and I went home. Oh, Gilbert and I became friends on Facebook after the Yelp event. Let’s say he also added me on Instagram. We are following each other now.  I really didn’t pay attention to the fact that he was with me all night at the Yelp event and checking me out at the volleyball game. He later on told me that the latter was a fact. He was checking me out while I played and he said he would like to be my team mate in the future. I didn’t tell him but he plays very competitively, I see myself getting sprayed with saliva if we played together in a league.

A few days after volleyball, he messaged me on Facebook telling me that he wants to see me again. His “dance partner”. It was fun the last time so I agreed to get some drinks with him at the same salsa club. He came to pick me up… he was late too. When I entered his car, he had a little bouquet of flowers for me. Aww. The salsa club was closed so we ended up at the bar next to it. Upon getting seated at the bar, I ordered my drink and he asked me what the reason was that I broke up with Stan. They happen to be playing together often now. I dated Stan 3 years ago after meeting him at the volleyball group. He was very passionate about volleyball that we had major issues meeting halfway. I felt myself changing my routines just to adjust to his…He tried to meet me halfway BUT he became very depressed and we kept fighting. Not to forget he wouldn’t shower for days because he would be playing volleyball, come home, wake up the next day and hurry to work…play volleyball again afterwards. Gilbert scoffed at that reason. He also asked me about what kind of music I listened to. Should I have told him the truth and said “Etta James, Ella Fitz and Louis “? Well, I told him instead that I like oldies and said the music must be older than him. Gilbert listens to reggae and hip-hop. He replied saying that he is not that much younger than me.

6 Years is.

I did not tell Gilbert about that shower part though, about Stan. That’s gross and unnecessary.

We soon left the bar. Gilbert went in for the “you want to head over to my place for a while?”. I was already slightly tipsy.

Gilbert is very lean and at 6 feet, I am quite sure that was the reason – and that I was tipsy – why I didn’t enjoy what transpired in his apartment. He took me home the next morning.

Unlike before, I am not the kind of person to message a guy after having intercourse with him, just to see if there is any connection. I was tipsy, sleepy and really couldn’t care less as long as I get home to my comfy clothes right after. I think I may really be getting old or really do not care about being intimate with anyone anymore after so many failed online meetings.

This past weekend, Gilbert asked to go together at the volleyball event. When it started to rain, I admit, I was quite glad. Gilbert is very cute. He dresses nicely and smells oh so nice. I know most of the girls in the volleyball group has the hots for this young man. There is a blonde in our group who asked him out to her Christmas party too. He later posted it on Instagram. 

What to do if he asks me out again ? I highly doubt it will be anything besides for a drink, but I will nicely turn him down…unless we are going out for a movie or something.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

More Than Senior

Most men who I turn down online are good sports about it . Majority of them take it lightly and I don’t often get one that demands an essay of why he didn’t make the cut. When I get lazy, I typically don’t respond at all to those that I do not find interesting at all. Often times those would be guys who are physically unattractive and either start with a conversation that’s utterly boring or just plain sexist like, “I’d like you to cook for me.” or “you can be my Mom and take care of me.”. I mean, shut up already! !! I don’t even bother to  type or think about responding  to those . 

For the past few weeks however, this dude welltreveldman  (yes, I noticed it too) has been messaging me with paragraph-long greeting AS IF we’ve known each other for years. At first I did not pay attention to his messages and thought that they would eventually go away. His messages would usually end up with emojis of flowers and hearts. According to his profile, he is 49 years old. However, he absolutely looks like he is ready to retire! I’m not going to say that he is ugly to begin with however, there is no way he was 49. This week he messaged me with another one of his speeches, typically like “Hello Jane, how are you doing today ! I hope you have a wonderful day. It’s a great weather today and your smile adds to the beauty…I was wondering if I can take you out to lunch or coffee…my number is blah blah bloo”. 

Last Sunday , he tells me that he has 2 tickets to see a Van Halen at the Amphitheater and was hoping he could take me with him. I was like, “The heck?” . This was probably his 10th or more message and because of the fact that he was asking me out to a concert in the evening totally got my attention. It’s either it made me feel weird or a little impressed. I was impressed with his spunk to be honest. How could someone expect anyone who is a stranger to go hang out with them at night in a concert where Van Halen was performing? Some nerve this guy had, I thought. This is when I finally decide to message him back and told him that although I appreciate the invitation, I really do not prefer meeting people for the first time in that aspect.

“Come on! It’s going to be fun. I understand we haven’t met but I guarantee you I am safe. I can pick you up anywhere you like and we can drive to the concert in one car.If you prefer to meet me at the concert , that’s fine with me too.”

Again, what gives this dude the idea? I thought he may just be naturally nice. I turn him down and since my inbox was flooding with messages already, I send him a text through my phone. I thought I can always block him if he gets too pushy or annoying. He sends me more messages about going to the concert despite me being firm about not meeting up with elderly men after 6. :p

The next day, he sends me videos of the concert. I told him that it looked fun, yadda yadda, yadda… He asks me out to lunch or coffee “or whatever you want to do. I saw we match 94%, doesn’t that mean a big thing ? I also have read the answers to your questions and find you very attractive inside and out.”

Hmm, I thought. Answers to my questions…

I went back to this profile more about him including “his answers to his questions”. It was unbelievable how many questions this guy havs answered! It tells me that he may have been on OKCupid for quite a while now or all he does is answer questions… and stalk women online. Surely, his profile says that he is 49 years old. He has pictures of himself next to a Harley-Davidson motorcycle and inside a private airplane. Nonetheless, there is no way he’s only 9 years my senior. This guy has brown-blonde hair (could be a mix of gray and brown), is 5’11 feet tall and most probably has a BMI of 30. Stocky, wrinkly upper lip area, possibly veneers…you know the deal. He’s an older man. My guess was near 60 years old or close. Pervert Rob is 52 and he looks waaaaaay younger. 

To shush him up, I agreed to have him meet me for a drink. Besides that, he kept asking endlessly with each half of the day. By the way, telling welltreveldman that I didn’t have a job seemed to not faze him. “I like your brain and your heart.”. His real name is Jim.

Great. So Monday I meet Jim downtown at a wine bar that just opened. It was around 4:45 pm and the bar was almost empty . I sit down at the bar and at first I thought he was late until he came out of the bathroom. It was easy for me to recognize him because  he’s an old man ( plus he really looks like his picture)  that looks like an old man  dressed in  office clothes. Apparently he has already gotten a table  (we can have any table we wanted at that time) and he directed me to where it was. He tries to be chivalrous by waiting for me to get seated before he sits down, however that doesn’t really impress me as this is the first date and this is usually where men try to be very impressive. I had very low expectations of this meeting since I did not really expect this man to be in the category of people I will date. First of all, obviously he lied about his age. Second of all, he is obviously way beyond  my age limit for men that I would like to date. The first one was already a deal-breaker. To be honest and it is a general rule that if we would like people to like us in an online dating site, the last thing that we would like to do is lie about our age or put a fake profile picture.

Jim began to tell me more about his background. According to him, his boss really likes him and that he really loves his job. He is somewhat a director of marketing for a silicon company near where I live. He then also begins to say that his previous relationships were composed of women that did not seem to have matured over time. While I sip my Sangiovese  quietly, he also mentions that he has read all my questions and my answer is and that he is confident that we are very compatible. He kept on mentioning that we match 94% according to the OkCupid measuring standard. During this entire conversation I was just and mostly nodding to whatever he was saying. To be honest (again) I was just glad to be enjoying a good glass of Sangiovese, finish it and order a Pinot Noir .  In my head I didn’t care about whatever else he was going to say. I already knew that he is not 49 years old. There is no way that he could be 9 years older than me and I wish that he did not have to lie about his age. There was a higher chance that I would pay attention to what he was saying if I knew that I did not have any reasons to not believe him. I’m just like that. I will trust you fully despite meeting you early if you have no reason for me to not believe you.

Another major deal-breaker for me on guys that I meet online  and also guys in real life that I meet  is when they start talking about their exes in  a not-so-discreet manner .  An example would be is when welltreveldman began to discuss about this Asian lady that  he used to date who he said  was a sex maniac and was still  committed to another guy  when she hooked up with him .   “She said that I performed much better than her boyfriend at the time so she really could not stop herself from throwing herself at me.”

Sigh. Oh puh-lease. May I please order more charcuterie ? ??

So after his next 15-minute-story about the last girl he dated, mostly all degrading and mostly making him the victim or so, I asked him to compare driver’s licenses with me. Without waiting for him to respond I bring out my driver’s license and place it on the table. He then brings out his driver’s license and it shows that he was born 1959. I told him at the time that I was pretty much convinced by looking at his profile pictures that he was not really 49 years old.” What do you mean?” He asks me, “Do I look older and my pictures in person?”
Duh. I was so glad that I had swallowed the last sip of wine before he asked me this question! Otherwise I may have choked or sprayed the wine on his face.

“You don’t look like you’re 49. That is all I can say. You look older than what you say you are and I’m just being honest.” 

The smug expression on his face as he was describing his previous relationships changed to a bitter expression as if he was a 7-year-old boy and his mama told him that he cannot be out with his friends because he has house chores to do.

He then proceeded to tell me that he put 49 on his profile because he wanted to meet my age limit. He said that he felt younger than his age and knew that he looks younger than his age.

His mama probably told him the last part.

Later he says that he’s got lots of life achievements and is financially well-off. He added that if we get a chance to know more abour each other and get intimate, I may need a whole day to rest in bed as it would be hard to me to walk . Now before he finished that statement, I made sure this time that whatever was in my mouth was already gone.

He asks me about what I look for in a man AND THEN tells me that in that case we will get along very well.

“I’m unemployed.” I reiterate in a slightly diplomatic way.

“I do like your heart though. I believe in you and I know you will get a job soon.” , he says and grabs my hand. Sure, I don’t pull my hand back. That’s the most I can do to repay him for the good wine and cheese and meat plate. What the fuck does this idiot know about my heart? For all I know, he couldn’t wait to get his hands on the pair that’s lying on top of my heart. 

We get done with the wines and leave the bar. It was around 7pm or so. He walks me to my car and tells me he had a great time and wants to see me again. I shudder inside and tell him that I will check my schedule (TV schedule, that is). I give him a hug good-bye . 

Jesus take the wheel as I drive home and couldn’t be more grossed out with myself for hugging him. He continues to text me throughout the week and says he could not wait until he can take me out to dinner and see me again. I just keep ignoring him! That doesn’t stop him though. His messages kept on pouring first thing in the morning like 7 o’clock and they look like exactly the same type of messages he would send me on OkCupid with hearts and flowers emojis in the end of each text.

I finally replied to his messages and told him that I can only be friends with him. His response was sounding as if it was an “Obection, Your Honor!” and wanted it sustained ! I can almost laugh at the douchebaggery. 

He insisted that we are very compatible. 

“I don’t think I will be happy with you, Jim.”

He asks me to tell him what made me think that.

Eyes roll deliriously in my head. I tell him that really, I have a different taste in men plus I was not completely impressed by the age fibbing. I tell him that it was hugely a turn off. 

“Well I know who I am and I am a good man with qualities better than ordinary.”, he says. 

I respond with, ” Then it should not be difficult for you to find a woman if that’s what you say you are.”

Talk about someone who demands an explanation as if I was his middle school kid and I get caught coming home at 4 in the morning !

He doesn’t text me again the rest of the week. I delete his  OkCupid messaging from my threads and assigned him to “Hide” so he doesn’t get suggested as one of my matches ever again.

Gross.

When I Couldn’t Care Less

“Hey how are you doing ?”

Pervert Bob asked me out to dinner tonight. “Anywhere you want.” He said. So I had a full Brazilian radizio at Palo Alto. He was his usual self – impatient, shallow, argumentative … I just feasted on my free meat, all-you-can-eat salad and Cabernet. Earlier today, in my apartment , he sends some another dick pic (of course) with some iPhone special effects. It’s a “recycled” dick pic. I later tell him that I’ve seen that picture before. Selfie in front of a mirror with his 5-inch wood while he wore a pair of headphones. 

Recalling again, I met PB on Yelp, after I submitted a review for a restaurant where a guy I also met online (OKCupid). PB sent me a “compliment” telling me “I’m trying to guess whether you’re a Quentin Tarantino fan or an Uma fan.”. My profile picture had a caption: “I can dance like Uma Thurman” and my review containing the phrase “5-point-palm exploding heart technique.” . 

This guy can’t keep his phone down. His excuse ? “My coworker is trying to pass the buck at me…” Like I cared. I know well enough that PB is a liar since he gets caught each time. I also know that he won’t pay attention to work emails after work. I just didn’t want to keep insinuating that I’m not buying his crap anymore. The last time he lied was last week, texting me “OMG I can’t believe I just got home from work!” Then his Facebook got tagged about a party he was in on that same night he was telling me he worked until late. I’m only here for the free food and great sex. He asked to take me out to dinner and I had no other plans tonight, well then $50 meal. TYVM.

He offers to drive me home the next day instead and asked to go home with him tonight. Hmm, I thought, that will give me a chance to watch on his TV and catch up on some How To Get Away With Murder. I unsubscribed from cable about a month ago and really just rely on Netflix and Amazon for video pleasures. I told him I just need to grab a few things from the house (like my Xanax in case he starts to annoy me and I just need to sleep) and we are good to go.

His place is cold and there’s black stuff on his table from his weed pipe. Really, I had to keep reminding myself that I’m not with this guy anymore. I’m saving my effort and speech for something more worthy. So I tell PB “I’m wondering how many women has those dick pics you send out.” He says that he only sends them to me and I tell him “they’re dated way back 2014, we only met in May. It’s OK, I really just wonder how many women has a picture of you with your naked hard-on.”

Yeah, so the sex was great. I take my sleeping pill, sleep and had this aching in my left chest that woke me up in the middle of the night. “Are you having a heart attack ?” He asked. I sure hoped I wasn’t . I wouldn’t want him to be bringing me to an ER.

So this morning on the drive home for me and for him at the office, I tell him that he doesn’t have to make up stories just to try to hide what he’s doing. I told him that I really couldn’t care less what he is up to…. as a matter of fact, I seldom text him. He denied making up a story initially then later admintted. “I just wanted to not make you feel bad that I didn’t bring you.” 

I told him then that I really couldn’t care less what he decides to do with his life. “Just do not make up stories and make me feel sorry for you.” I tell him. “We are not the same as before. I do a lot of things you don’t know about either but I don’t make up stories about them to you. I JUST DON’T TELL YOU ABOUT IT.”

Plus, I don’t share my boobies’ naked pics or my lovely vaginafies to guys who I sense are like this egomaniac. He then called me conservative.

That’s why I don’t tell him a lot of things I do…

I’m Shameless

The one thing that really gives me a kick at these online dating sites is that, I either get plenty of messages from men almost half my age or men 20+ years older than me. My guess about the young guys is, after reading my profile and probably seeing my pictures, they probably think I can be their sugar mommy or just to plainly seem like I’m sex-deprived. The age limit that I approved on my OKCupid profile is between 35-50 although anyone who is younger than me that messages me will be very much discouraged. Surviving unemployed on my little bit of savings and borrowed money from my retirement fund won’t make these millenials very worth it. Believe me, I’ve only dated 1 younger guy who I thought would be a boyfriend material. The problem was he’s got a drinking problem and smokes cigarettes. Total deal-breaker.

Did I mention that 51-year-old Pervert Rob smoked weed? No, I don’t do that shit BUT I understand if you suspected I may have taken a few hits with him. I met Robert at a coffee shop after exchanging a few messages on Yelp and then texting. He took his lunch break to meet me. That was during the last week of May this year. On our third date, he brought me to see a few sights in San Francisco and then right there I already noticed how touchy-feely this guy was. We started kissing at the Coit Tower and I was wearing deep red lipstick then. My lipstick got all over around my mouth and his too. When I met Robert, I was about at the last stretch with  Psycho Jones who I exclusively dated – clarified and verified with – and has a Prince Albert. Psycho Jones isn’t just a psycho. The crap that’s in his online profile is so much a lie, once it all fell into pieces, I almost threw up.

Pervert Robert confessed that he smokes weed from time to time. At that time, I took into consideration that, since we were just dating and had just gotten to know each other, I decided to keep seeing him with conditions that he won’t smoke in front of me. Well, it was a new relationship then, so we kept seeing each other. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that : 1, Robert was heavily reliant on weed to calm his inner demon. On the weekends that I was with him, he was high like a New York skyscraper ALL THE TIME. Sure he was chill and a happy fucker, but he’s a mean and impatient little bastard when he’s not stoned. 2, he maybe 50-something but oh boy, dick pics galore as if I have yet to see my first male genitalia! This dude obviously took plenty of pictures naked in his living room, with an erection. He has all the poses and perspectives one can imagine when shooting oneself to impose his well-angled hard-on. Oh, I didn’t ask for these, they just came in and so did his awful video of himself jacking off. Should I go on ? 3, this dude argues about pretty much anything and everything …. and doesn’t stop beating on the same subject as if his penis was on Viagra. 4, the sex was great and that’s pretty much it. 

After breaking up so many times and getting back together during a 3-month period, I told Robert that we can only be friends. We even remained friends on Facebook and he followed me on Instagram. 

That was last summer.

What is wrong with this picture now? I think that Robert and I as of today, has just officially become friends-with-benefits. After a while, great sex becomes a bit of a commodity when everything else that comes along cannot be guaranteed or has a “herpes risk can be returned after bummer sex” warranty. Ugh, I have answered to Robert’s booty calls most probably 3 times since October. More had he not been so text-tacky, thinking that sending me all those poorly-constructed, X-rated text messages will “make you wet right now baby?”. They pretty much just grossed me out. Who am I kidding though? I was just with his stoned ass this weekend again and he sure made it known to his neighbors that “you suck my cock so good!” and/or “your pussy feels so fucking good!” with all the background noise which he also made with his “aaah!”, “ooooh!” and “fuuuuuck!”. 

This bastard remained stoned through Saturday evening that really, I decided I’d be better home talking to one of my walls than staying in his place and dealing with all the nothingness after sex. Robert got so high again that he would pass out and start mumbling in his sleep. I must’ve watched 3 shows on his computer screen AppleTV before I decided I’d be more comfortable in front of my own 70-inch plasma. Netflix and chill solo.

I feel ashamed of myself, really. Driving home that night has never felt that good knowing that I can finally be where I really wanted to be and not waste my time. Robert isn’t even worth the drive anymore. He lives 45 minutes away. It made me look like I was craving his sex so much, I put up with all his hang ups. Pathetic. 

We don’t text each other at all this Sunday. I wake up on my bed and have never felt so good that I didn’t spend an entire weekend having noisy, meaningless sex and be also exposed to marijuana smoke. Not to forget, spending all weekend with someone who clearly would benefit better with another stoner. I just cannot get it.

I just don’t get me either…

Doctor Strange?

While Charles the newly-adolescent-again divorced cop kept text-molesting me about when we were going to go about “that second date”, my profile caught the attention of Ben_Rocks, a rock-climbing wine-snob and a physician….
…. and nerd (I didn’t find anything wrong),

…. and with an emoji-stricken profile (I thought THAT was slightly, uh, emo…),

… and used words I had to freakin’ Google (to me that’s just waaayyy too either pretentious or arrogant OR I’m just really lazy)

… aaaaaand quite honestly, I found it odd WHY he kept talking to me for 3 straight nights (and why did I keep talking to him, huh ???).

Sure, we matched 93%. Meh. He’s 5’5. AGAIN, it’s 3/3 (EQ, sex, physical attraction). His profile pictures are of him drinking wine, climbing a huge rock formation, him with his children, him on top of a rock formation, a selfie, and more rock-climbing. Of course, he asked if I have tried. Of course, I was honest and said that I haven’t and that it was not on my list. Good lawd, if there was anything about Ben_Rocks, it was most probably the question of, “what if he was a rockstar in person and was actually soooo totally kind and funny (and eventually has mad skillz like Johnny Sins)”?

He quotes movies and I can’t get them. Ha. The only ones I’m sure I can nail are American Pie’s Michelle’s and anything with “Strong in the Force…” . We message each other online until I give him my number. He asked me, “So when are we going out for a drink?”

The goal was to meet people. Ben didn’t seem boring as fuck and he did seem like a nice guy – 93% was nice enough and he’s a doctor for crying out loud. We set for a dinner date on a Friday. In the morning of Friday, Ben sends his normal morning emojis. The day goes on and I get ready to meet Ben.

“Oh by the way, I am totally wearing casual. I have not showered. Jeans and I’m wearing my down jacket.” He sent through text.

The leggings are off. Boots off. Boy, was I so relieved. Why was I even getting dolled up for this mountain-climbing wine-snob? Hee. My recent favorite skinny, acid wash high-waist jeans replaced the leggings and the Tory Burch flats replaced the boots. Green pullover sweater top. I have to constantly remind myself when dating short men (not that it’s been my routine lately) not to be sporting the stilettos. 

Just to make sure I wouldn’t starve in case we were to just drink the entire night, I had a bowl of cereal before heading out of the house. Quick and easy.

Ben looked exactly as the picture. We met inside a novelty shop midway where we both lived. He had glasses on, jeans and a messenger bag. I remembered he said, “I’m packing some booze!!!” before we both said were headed out. He insisted we dined at my recommendation but unfortunately got seated next to where the salsa band later played. It got too loud that it was too hard (and that’s what she said) for us to decipher what each of us was telling each other. 50% Of the conversation comprised of “What?!” or “Say that again?”. The other 50% of it? Well. Ben didn’t waste time and gave me the universal signal for “cuckoo in the head” to indicate an adjective for his ex-wife. He did so repetitiously too. If you are not familiar with this gesture. Place your index finger next to any which of your ears – usually the corresponding side works best -and just make a whirl with your wrist while pointing that index finger and voilá! The universal sign for, you get it.

I had a feeling he wasn’t over it. It didn’t take long before I put Ben under the category of divorced men who escape into online dating in order to “find someone” not as a their new found romance but as a substitute for pricey, yet ineffective and boring. This is how I see men who discuss their previous relationships to stangers too soon or too quick : if they can’t keep their private life on their own, how much of your private life, once you’re together can they keep? If he doesn’t make it down the road with me, I sure will be the subject of his anecdotes in the not so distant future too. The pressure was on all of a sudden on me…And I didn’t quite like it.

Before anything, I pigged out like the next Miss Universe would if she was in front of the United Nations delegates.

With finesse.

The wine bottle he brought was a 10-year old Bourdeaux which, if I’m not mistaken, he could almost ask me for a Yelp review. He was waiting for me to make a comment about whether or not I liked it or it was just a, “Meh.”. To be honest I couldn’t care any less and I am pretty sure I have had better wine that would be much cheaper than what he had brought. 

“Would you like to split?” I offered when the bill came. He shook his head and he paid. 

“Best feed your therapist, if not I shall send you the bill.” I spoke in my head.

We left the restaurant and walked around for a little while when he started to look for a foot massage.

“At  this hour ?” I asked him.

“I kinda have been wanting my feet massaged.” He replied.”Haven’t you had a foot massage before ?”

“Not at 10 in the evening.” 

He insisted to look for the place he told me he had been to. Like a 10-year-old kid who drags his mom to see real-life Pokémon at the zoo. It just isn’t happening. He keeps walking to that direction anyway and here I was, like a metal to a magnet, followed him. Ugh!!!

He cannot seem to find the fucking foot massage parlor!!!

We Yelp it to find out the massage place closed at 7 PM every night.

This is when I start imagining myself pulling my hair, rolling my eyeballs upward, taking slow breaths, and telling myself, “It will be over soon.”

Cut The Pillar

It became clear to me that Tim33 and Charles may actually really be conniving against me. It was impossible that I was seeing Charles the next day for dinner and he was inviting me over for pesto and wine for a strong possibility of, “Let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on.” and Tim33 strongly insisting on seeing me despite the fact that I may still be sick to just be coincidental.

Anyway, after Tim33’s text that Wednesday evening, I set myself to canceling the dinner with Charles considering that he may only be after the sex and that he may not really be a relationship material. Take note, I’m not on this online gig for the badonkadonk. Despite the fact that Charles’ profile mentions that “I am here for some serious thing”, after all that spicy texting that we have exchanged over the last 36 hours,

“I like anal very much”, 

“Would you like it if I called you a slut while I fucked you?”,

“I haven’t don’t threesome but I would like to try that very much.”,

“I’d like to see your mouth around my cock right now and look at your face as I cum in inside your mouth.”,

those were all Charles. If any, I may have faulted by saying that, “I would like to give you a blowjob right now if you are inside your cop car. I have not done that before and that would be something in my bucket list. So hot.” 

“Ugh. Why did I fucking say that?” I asked myself after texting him back because I’m sure that I sent him a lot of signals. Later on I was sending this message that he was giving me a lot of bad thoughts in my head. “Bad, bad, boy.” I said.

All of these could be leading that because I could not forget the fact that physically, Charles was kind of hot and I wanted to imagine that he may have a body like Henry Cavill or than younger Franco, despite the fact that I mentioned earlier that he was a little bit like Andy Cohen when he spoke. 

Now going back to Tim33. It was set that Thursday I was going to see him. We made an agreement that I was going to let him know how I was feeling on Thursday morning so that he would know what time to pick me up by Thursday afternoon. Charles was going to pick up stuff from the store to make some pesto and a bottle of wine to make for dinner. I was wondering, “was he going to make pasta and pesto?” Charles is Italian, by the way.” He has this New Jersey accent that reminds me of Danny DeVito if he had a gay tendency. At 11:38 late at night on Wednesday, I sent a message to Charles that I had an emergency and had to cancel dinner for Thursday. He was slightly devastated and sent me a message saying, “you can’t make it tomorrow night?” . I told him that I had a meeting tomorrow evening that I may come out of that meeting later than our dinner date and I don’t want to make him wait so late so I have to cancel our dinner. “Maybe next week then.” He replied. 

Thursday morning I tell Tim33 that I was feeling better. He tells me that “is able to get out of work as early as 3 o’clock in the afternoon today.” . Now that the dinner date with Charles has been canceled completely, I had no problems seeing Tim33 although I was really not looking forward to seeing him. Tim33 compared to Charles has been attentive and really sweet BUT if my hunch is right, because there is a consistency with his messages and peculiarity with the awful pictures that he’s been sending then I am better off with this crater-face (No Country For Old Men, remember??).

Moist Caterpillar, remember?

Good lawd, why did I even remind myself of that?

“Oh good, I think I may be able to get ready early if that is the case.” I sent him a text message as soon as he tells me that you can get out of work by 3 PM.

“Will that be better for you?” He replies and tells me that he will be leaving The conference that he is at in 30 minutes which is an hour away from where I was. That message was sent at 1:30 in the afternoon. If my calculation was right he was about to get to my location at 3 o’clock. I told him that I should be ready by 4 PM.

“Perfect!” He texts me. So 4 PM it is. I set myself to be ready by 4 o’clock. 

Charles sends me a message at 2 PM and asked me how my day is going, “Everything is going well,” I replied to him, “I still don’t know how I would be able to get out of this meeting that I will be at tonight. However I have already canceled out our dinner.”

“Well I will only be sitting and relaxing at home, watching TV in case anything changes.” He replies back.

Then at 3 PM I received a text from Tim33 “Oops, i’m not gonna be picking you up at 4 PM. I will be picking up at 5 PM.” No explanations, no apologies. Just like that. 

“I thought 4 PM was perfect?” I thought to myself. After thinking for two minutes, I looked back at my phone and without any ado, I didn’t bother replying to Tim33. Instead, I block his caller ID from contacting me. If it’s possible to block the memory of his limp penis’ sensation on my palm, I would do it too. In fact that would be my priority to block. I am serious. I have never been more serious. If my hand had a pair of eyes under the blanket at that time, they would choose to unsee that thing, I’m positive.

The day after that, Tim33’s profile becomes active again online and I immediately block his messages and hide him so that he cannot see me and he cannot contact me on OkCupid. Charles and I still text each other up to today. As a matter of fact, he tried to lure me into possibly spending Halloween with him by wearing my Halloween costume and going to his place. He was truly sold that I was going to be a Nicki Minaj for Halloween. Fuck, I don’t even have money to spend on our wig. I mean, I do, but I am not wasting it on that. 

Today, he asked me if I had any Halloween parties to go to and when I told him that I was going to stay home he was a bit surprised. I told him that I don’t go to wild parties anymore. He said that he’s the same… somehow I kind of felt that he may just be reciprocating what I’m trying to say.

Men tell women what they like to hear. That is often how men get what they want from us. We let them. We like to hear those, they know it. It’s dumb, it’s crazy.

As long as crazy doesn’t hurt anyone, then it’s all good.

Cop Block Cock

By Monday morning, Tim33 was oblivious to his cock-me-not skills and continued to call me his “My GF, doing today?”. I response and reciprocate knowing that IF he was a sensible adult, he should know that no one in his mature cock mind would know that no one becomes boyfriend and girlfriend overnight especially with a semi-thriving appendage.

“Good morning. I am supposing this is where I am supposed to say something clever to get your attention.” 

Charles_7512’s message pops up on top of my screen after my last text exchange my Tim33. The fact of the matter is, Tim33’s real name is Rick. Let’s keep it to Tim33 to lessen confusion. Tim33 is in sales and marketing. He travels A LOT. He carries 2 cellphones with him and according to his online profile, he doesn’t mind time away as he doesn’t want to be accused of being to clingy. 

Charles_7512 was one of the “mutual like” guys. Has 4 pictures 2 with a little girl and one a group of people. Profile reads 5’9, divorced, has kid, not a lot on his “about me” section BUT his sex questionnaire is endless. We chat on and off for the rest of the mid-morning. Charles_7512 is a police officer from the city next to mine. I told him I’m in Sales and Marketing – I mean, isn’t everyone ? At about 2 in the afternoon, he asks me that his schedule freed up and asked if I can meet him up for coffee or drink . “I’m in for coffee,” I said,”I can’t be driving under the influence.” I jokingly said. The tone of the conversation all day was friendly and diplomatic DESPITE the fact that I inserted some leather and fluffy hand cuff innuendos. I actually felt my thigh muscles tighten a little, thinking he might Google search my image and start an ID and try to find me.

He was late. Then again, I lived closer and knew the place better. Somehow that time, it was probably close to 5 o’clock, I was thinking Tim33 may have been on his way to Vegas so I haven’t heard or gotten anything from him since the morning. He is back Tuesday night. Tim33 deactivated his account too. Charles_7512 arrived and we both took a table near the wall at a corner. The moment Charles_7512, Charles in real life, lightened up and started to talk a little bit more, it occurred to me that he sounded a little bit more and reminded me of this somewhat famous talk show host Andy Cohen. YES. He has this flamboyance in his way of talking. Let me say he even mentioned the phrase, “wine-tasting galore” in one of his statements. Maybe that’s why we chatted all the way until 9pm…way until the coffee cups were dry.

He walked me to my car. May I mention that Charles is, compared to Tim33 is way more better looking than his profile picture? He looks like Judge Alex Ferrer if he was a Hollywood actor posing as a Tom Ford signature collection model. Yesssss. He really is about 5’9. Fit and cop-ish. He has a couple of freckles below his right eye that gives him this semi-sexy I-want-to-bite-you-right-there-and-maybe-suck-your-cock-in-the-next-dark-alley kind of sexiness freckles.

Is that considered semi-sexy or just really hot ? At the end of the night, as we stood next to my car, a few cars passed by and we still kept talking about how it was nice to have made it out to coffee. I pulled him away from the road a few times as a few cars would pass by. We hugged again for the last time. “I could actually kiss you right now but I’m not sure what you said in your profile, if you kissed on the first date.” He said. I let him go as I was tempted to kiss him and what a beautiful night may end up elsewhere. We were in a pretty dark parking alley and I am quite sure one of the staff in the Korean restaurant across the street was smoking just a few feet from where we were, listening and watching everything. Charles tells me that he must invite me on a “real date” next time and asks me if I am agreeable to that. That was an easy question.

Sorry Korean staff, no soft-porn-on-dark-alley tonight for you.

Well I get settled at home and I send a text message to Charles that I had a great time and he says the same. At the end of the night I get a text message from Tim33. I was assuming that he was in Vegas. Logging into my online account Charles was logged in and so I wasn’t bothered because heck, so was I. Somehow I was wondering if Tim33 had another account and was spying on me.

Ah.

My allergy got nuked and turned full-on colds by Tuesday. Tim33 sends me a picture of a fake tree art from the Bellagio Tuesday morning while I also text Charles the cop all day. Somehow, there’s something about Tim33 that was slightly off. Typically, guys who I’ve dated in the past who went to conferences sent me pictures of the ballroom or the decors of the symposium, or group pictures with famous people. This one sends me a picture of a tree. A fake one at that. WTF? Later on, he sends me a selfie in the toilet. “So you won’t forget how I look like.” 

Err. I won’t forget.

He then tells me that he isn’t coming back that night. Instead, was coming back Wednesday morning and wanted to see me in the afternoon after work. “OK, I tell him. I will try my best to rest so I can see you.” Trying to concentrate on just looking at the picture he sent me and not the feeling that I felt. Tim33 isn’t that awful of a person. He just gave me that bad feeling in my right hand. Following a series of make-out sessions, one would not anticipate a gummy bear in one’s hand.

The supreme talk with Charles and I started when I asked him about one of his questionnaire answers of possibly allowing someone to licking his butthole. Eventually, that lead to IT. Being married for 21 years and now divorced, this man, although stating in his profile that he is looking for the serious thing is really looking for some A-1 action. It’s like he’s one of those bears that’s been in a zoo for 20 years and is now in the wild. Or who is that tortoise who saved his species by because he is just so promiscuous ? Not sure if it’s the same thing but you get the picture.

This Mr. “Po-po”vich has done it, loves it and wants threesome, doesn’t know what badonkadonk means and now that knows it, wants it. He wants someone he can “explore” with further. So he invited me for dinner and said he would cook for me Thursday night. I thought that since Tim33 was coming home Wednesday, I can work it out with Charles on Thursday. I was sick as a dog on Tuesday and I was really hoping to be better on Thursday. Charles is really charming and I was only looking forward to his company again. The sex that may follow – not sure if he is skilled or not – may just be a bonus.

Wednesday morning. Still sick but better. Tim33 texts me and asks me if I feel better or the same. “Still the same, baby” I replied. I had no intentions of really seeing him. He wanted me to be in his place after work. To me that’s spending time with a caterpillar again. No mention of any dinner whatsoever. By 3 pm I ultimately cancelled to see him saying I was not feeling well. I asked him to call me so he can hear how I sounded. In reality, I did sound harsh. He did and he told me he was going to miss me but he wants me to rest. He said if I felt better tomorrow, he can most probably see me then.

Hah. Now something told me it’s either I was being paranoid because I knew I was seeing Charles tomorrow night or Tim33 and Charles knew each other and were trickster fuckfarts conniving with each other against me!!!

“I really feel bad that I didn’t get to see you tonight so I don’t care. I will see you tomorrow no matter what.” Tim33 texts me in the middle of dinner on Wednesday. 

The fuck?

A Working Tool

This time around, I tell myself that I shouldn’t really be putting that much importance to match ratings and physical attributes when looking at a profile. I mean, meeting all those guys! I don’t think that I’ve met so many but I’ve learned so far, and also learning from my non-online relationships over the last 10 years that if couples really wanted relationships to last, well heck, it involves hard work, acceptance and communication.

Communication means a lot of honesty, if not ALL honesty. So be ready to be told that you’re not really the smartest Alec in the room, or that yes, I had sex with your father in your car but it’s a big mistake, I’m sorry about it really and I sincerely apologize. 

Of course, I had sex with not one of my ex’es fathers ever. Or none that I can recall. 

Shit.

So back to where I started, I am now “liking” profiles based on what I read and what I see. For example, here’s X who seems to be 5/10 on the “Brad Pitt” factor but we match say, 89% and his profile reads that he likes Shawshank Redemption, mentions Last Week Tonight, horror movies, and “lives in the moment”. Doesn’t mention “going to the gym” more than once or doesn’t mention it at all. Has at least 4 pictures that show of himself smiling (full-body, preferably clothed and of course, not obese) . Geez, I’ve even been swiping right on bearded gizmos. 

Here’s the catch, I learned that guys, even women who mention “I don’t like drama” are typically those that are oozing with a life that mimic that of telenovelas. I have been somehow on the close watch for those in my scouting.

So here, previously I’ve recounted that there were profiles that I liked who mutually liked mine. In not so long, Tim33 and Charles_7512 sent me messages. Tim33’s profile picture is a selfie of himself which looked like a headshot. His other picture showed of him in his car. He resembles Javier Bardem if he was homeless. I meet up with Tim33 for coffee in the afternoon. “Did you just ask me out?” I ask him through text. “Yes, I did. Tell me where and I will be there.” Was his response. The cafe I recommended was the Starbucks a block from my house. When I got there, he was standing next to a table outside as if he was lost. He was definitely shorter than 5’10. More like 5’7. Isn’t that surprising? —> feel free to raise an eyebrow here.

After meeting him that time, he asks me out for a “real date” and said dinner. We eventually end up watching a movie. Before we said good-bye, this is where we started kissing in my car. OK, I said to myself, he’s not THAT bad of a kisser.  Date #3, I had a feeling that he was counting forward to make it to this one. Sushi lunch, 2 dishes. A little tacky, I think. I was really ready to split this one BUT not really. When the bill arrived, since it was only 2 dishes, I let him pay. We spend a little more time drinking green tea and laughing a little bit about South Park and politics and decided to walk out of the restaurant. It was such a nice day too but I was definitely having the worst allergy attack. I almost sneezed out my entire booger reserves for next spring.

Driving back, he asked me if I would like to go to his place and watch a movie since it was only 3 in the afternoon. As nonchalantly as possible I told him “Oh, OK, that sounds like a good plan.”. For a moment there it seemed like my response ignited a switch in this guy that was driving next to me that he turned up the music in the car. I’m not quite sure what artist it was but it sure was metal on metal.

His place is one of these newer apartments similar to the ones that are made for tech people. It’s a complex built around the Silicon city so people don’t drive for something-something long commute just to get to work. While we begin making out in his couch, he asks me if want to get “more comfy” in his bedroom. To prove that he is mighty strong too, he carries me there. “Please don’t drop me, good, good, lawd!!!” I said in my head. We get to his bedroom and all clothes off for me, I start to wonder why I don’t feel any of that familiar bump or hump that I run into from my partner normally (don’t we, ladies??) during pre-coitus. Tim33 could be limp up to now? I mean I have been called I look like a pornstar here and I have been told I am a pornstar not so long before this. No, no. This is not me.

Anyway. Tim33 turns on the AC and says he is getting hot. The he pulls over the comforter… what the fuck? “This is getting really freaky annoying and hilarious, I’m ready to ask him.” I was thinking to myself but held on. He moves on top of me and asks me, “Can you be my girlfriend?” At the heat of the moment, with this stranger, the worst thing one can possibly do is offend him. “Yes.” I said and wondering why, despite all this boobage pressed below him doesn’t make the magic Mike appear on top of my thighs. “So can I mark my spot?” He says and plants a hickey on my right breast. It ends up looking like a bruise. I reach down between his thighs and we start kissing. His penis is, I’m going to have to take a slight deeper breath and I’m going to suggest you do too if you’re still reading, barely fitting my entire palm. I stroke it to make it “feel better” and so it pays attention. While stroking it and putting a little pressure, I feel it get wet and I wasn’t quite sure if he was moaning from pleasure or from something else…quite sure it was from pleasure. He is a man. “It’s time.” I say in my head, “it’s now or never, his penis doesn’t work.” So I let go of the caterpillar and he senses it as a sign to move on top of me. I grab it again to guide it towards my hole that’s always ready for what’s in store. I always aim to please. A caterpillar “may not pass” like Gandalf to the ghouly ghouls. It’s just not possible.

His excuse was “I cannot make love to you because I know I will explode in 3 seconds.” 

Please. Explode in your ass.