The Mushrooms

Over the weekend I tried to stay away from any “online gigs” as I was caught up preparing for a big job interview for Monday. I had THAT plus I had this small handcrafted imported jewelry shebang I have been investing a little time on which can potentially bring in some revenue for me. Well, there was also the election coming up – not that I was in any way going to have any more to say about it – I have mailed in my vote about a few weeks ago.

On my way to get my car that Sunday afternoon, I noticed a small group of mushrooms that have popped out around the base of a tree which had been recently cut. They were so cute and in absolutely different sizes, length and width. The mushrooms reminded me of the male genitalia. Oh absolutely ! The top part which resembled the small brown top, compared to that of the penis’ hood and the stem of the mushroom would be to that of the penis shaft. Some penises have cute, rounded and small hood, some penises would have humongous, out-of-there, “Why-did-the-meat-all -go-here?’ hood. NOW, there are penises that are thick and short, like some of these mushrooms that are near the ground, touching it and the others are long and medium-thick with a well-proportioned hood. I looked around on the ground checking for more and I see a few scattered tall thin ones with hoods that make them look like they shouldn’t even be standing up.

Back in the summer of this year, I was posting a Yelp review for an Italian restaurant where I dined in for lunch with – what’s his name again ? (Ugh. Now I will have to tell you about Cartman Jones.) – Jones who I met from OKCupid 2 profiles back, I was delivered a Yelp compliment by this Asian guy named Robert. We stayed in contact and decided to meet in person after exchanging cellphone numbers. I sensed his urgency to meet me one day because he didn’t wait for the work day to finish before asking me out for coffee. Philz and we hit if off quite well. Yelp, being an online site for posting reviews and pictures about businesses, won’t discuss a lot about the profile owners. In other words, Robert was 5’4.

HOWEVER, what Robert lacked in physical appearance, he compensated in performance. Especially that he has made me angry, laugh, cry, and repeat that I got very comfortable around him. Robert has the stamina of a bull. If a Red Bull was a real breed, that would be Robert. What kind of mushroom would I liken Robert’s cock to ? Hmm. That will have to be one that’s the medium with a hood that’s just right-fitting. Surprisingly !!! Robert and I had everyday summer-sex. Eventually, I grew more and more comfortable that allowed him to move me around in a position myself in such I climaxed every fucking time. He was beating my fucking vibrator. At 51, (YES, this dude isn’t in his 20s), he talked dirty, fucked like he was a 36-year-old man who was trapped in a 25-year-old’s body, had OK cock, had really good hygiene, engineer ….

….and that’s pretty much the only thing me and Robert clicked on. Robert thrived on arguments. He has mood swings, yells, his sense of compassion with people is zap. This man complains about pedestrians slow him down and for the 3 months we dated, we probably broke up 4 times. We remain friends now after I sent him a message that things around him and I are just going around in circles. We had sex one day a few weeks after we called it off. It was great as always. He is still an annoying little bastard and he still sends me these awkward, perverted texts, and really, NOT-sexy-at-all dick pics.

Speaking of dick pics. Officer Charles who I almost dispatched along with Tim33 was still active. He was quiet over the weekend and at about 8 am today, he messaged me about, “Setting up that second date.”. In the last week, I mentioned to him what my real intentions were of being in that website AND that his and mine may not be the same. He told me, that we were on the same page despite all the XXX texting we sent to each other the previous day. He reminded me that again when I was sitting on his couch after his pesto farfalla tonight. It’s the second time that I am meeting Charles. The first time was coffee at Starbucks and now this, dinner at his place. Tonight, I can see more arm skin and noticed his tattoos on his arms. I asked him about one of his tattoos as an ice breaker. What I most definitely notice about him ? Boy, this Italian boy talks A LOT! He has a story or stories about something. Chatty. He talked about his family, then the mob, then The Sopranos, and then his cousin, and then the test the boys were studying for as a group.

“Hey,”he said, “We are here and I am not going to get anything by not being honest, however, you’re right. After I got divorced, I went out like a mad man.”

Light bulb moment. I wasn’t sure if I had a condom in my purse or wallet.

“The last girl I dated is still trying to get me back,” he added, “I had to cut it because she wanted to have a family, like children, and get married but I cannot and will not give her those. I want her to find a man who will be able to make her happy.” After he tells me these things, I remember an old Italian fling…

Charles then continued to say that he has been keeping him from being close to where this Ex-GF resided or stays because he knows that if the girl finds out he is close by, she will do anything to seduce him to have him back.

“Yeah, a lot of women are like that.”, I tell him.

“Oh especially her, she knows where I like to be touched and how I like it.”He adds.”I have so far been good with keeping the distance.”

Hearing that coming from a potential partner isn’t really comforting much. I was already having second thoughts if sleeping with Charles tonight was an idea I should consider if he makes a move. All of a sudden, one switch triggered another move.

Anyway, Charles moves in for the kiss anyway after, saying “I’ve been trying to see when I can kiss you…”. 

My mouth is always in ready position when a beautiful mouth such as Charles’ is nearby. When his lips touch mine and I felt his teeth first before his tongue, my breath almost sinks down a few feet below us. I have utmost, and I mean utmost pride in my oral prowess and can tell right away if a man can kiss the moment those lips touch mine. One doesn’t bite into a kiss, but tongue-lashes into smoothly, as if it happens naturally and the tongue had a mind of its own.

I adjusted myself into his kiss and tried to work my lips and tongue into it. As I did, Charles kept tugging at my hair which bent my neck back a little until I finally fell back onto the couch. I could already see my nipples getting sore in the morning. 

After a little more hair-pulling which I had to tell him to turn down a couple of notches, mammograms and nipple-sucking/biting in his living room couch, everything relocates in his room. We slowly undress and he pushed my shoulders gently downward, “Show me what your mouth can do down there.”

“Easy peasy.” I said to myself after my right hand inspected his *cough-not coughing* goods. 

Geez, Louise ! Thou shall not push or rush me into the blowie. It will happen, rest assured if you’ve been making out with me and now we’re naked and that wood is lit as fuck, you’re going to go home a champ. Plus, Charles too, wasn’t well-landscaped. His Italian garden is slightly bushy and the one tree in the middle is not well-represented. Speaking of which, Charles penis can also benefit from a daily dose of a protein-rich diet. It’s a skinnier version of pervert Robert. What mad skills can one really throw on a cock like that ? He was watching all throughout. No extra efforts seen there from his side, quite honestly. I was crossing my fingers the sex was going to be fantastic. 

“You have to wear a condom.” I lightly snapped when he was ready to give me pound per pound. “Well, yah, dumbass. We all have herpes anyway, right?” I say in my head.

“Oh.” He obliged and came back now all ready to go. I knew he liked to be “top” during sex. He wants to dominate all the time. He mentioned that before and he also reiterated that he cannot be submissive. All to my pleasure. Or not. Something wasn’t happening right in there. He thrust and kept talking about how my “pussy feels so great” and yet I barely got any jolts of greatness on the receiving end. So I tell him to “fuck me hard”. 

Eh. We were lying to each other I’m sure. He obviously has sex without protection. It would’ve been fine by me after dating a while. I must have gotten so used to Pervert Bob’s more vocal expressiveness that I found Charles to be timid. Not only that…. missionary? Seriously ? Charles wanted to be in a threesome a lot but I maybe looking into the future too much. What’s he going to do with 2 women? Fuck them both missionary one after the other and that’s it ? 

We laid in bed for about half an hour talking about his tattoos. Not one bit did he ask me anything about me. “Did he do a background check? ” I’m not worried but this guy sure loves to talk in volumes !

If I don’t see Charles again, I would probably bury this experience in the back of my head like the rest of them.  I left his place and he kissed me one more time. 
 

 

 

 

 

 

Doctor Strange?

While Charles the newly-adolescent-again divorced cop kept text-molesting me about when we were going to go about “that second date”, my profile caught the attention of Ben_Rocks, a rock-climbing wine-snob and a physician….
…. and nerd (I didn’t find anything wrong),

…. and with an emoji-stricken profile (I thought THAT was slightly, uh, emo…),

… and used words I had to freakin’ Google (to me that’s just waaayyy too either pretentious or arrogant OR I’m just really lazy)

… aaaaaand quite honestly, I found it odd WHY he kept talking to me for 3 straight nights (and why did I keep talking to him, huh ???).

Sure, we matched 93%. Meh. He’s 5’5. AGAIN, it’s 3/3 (EQ, sex, physical attraction). His profile pictures are of him drinking wine, climbing a huge rock formation, him with his children, him on top of a rock formation, a selfie, and more rock-climbing. Of course, he asked if I have tried. Of course, I was honest and said that I haven’t and that it was not on my list. Good lawd, if there was anything about Ben_Rocks, it was most probably the question of, “what if he was a rockstar in person and was actually soooo totally kind and funny (and eventually has mad skillz like Johnny Sins)”?

He quotes movies and I can’t get them. Ha. The only ones I’m sure I can nail are American Pie’s Michelle’s and anything with “Strong in the Force…” . We message each other online until I give him my number. He asked me, “So when are we going out for a drink?”

The goal was to meet people. Ben didn’t seem boring as fuck and he did seem like a nice guy – 93% was nice enough and he’s a doctor for crying out loud. We set for a dinner date on a Friday. In the morning of Friday, Ben sends his normal morning emojis. The day goes on and I get ready to meet Ben.

“Oh by the way, I am totally wearing casual. I have not showered. Jeans and I’m wearing my down jacket.” He sent through text.

The leggings are off. Boots off. Boy, was I so relieved. Why was I even getting dolled up for this mountain-climbing wine-snob? Hee. My recent favorite skinny, acid wash high-waist jeans replaced the leggings and the Tory Burch flats replaced the boots. Green pullover sweater top. I have to constantly remind myself when dating short men (not that it’s been my routine lately) not to be sporting the stilettos. 

Just to make sure I wouldn’t starve in case we were to just drink the entire night, I had a bowl of cereal before heading out of the house. Quick and easy.

Ben looked exactly as the picture. We met inside a novelty shop midway where we both lived. He had glasses on, jeans and a messenger bag. I remembered he said, “I’m packing some booze!!!” before we both said were headed out. He insisted we dined at my recommendation but unfortunately got seated next to where the salsa band later played. It got too loud that it was too hard (and that’s what she said) for us to decipher what each of us was telling each other. 50% Of the conversation comprised of “What?!” or “Say that again?”. The other 50% of it? Well. Ben didn’t waste time and gave me the universal signal for “cuckoo in the head” to indicate an adjective for his ex-wife. He did so repetitiously too. If you are not familiar with this gesture. Place your index finger next to any which of your ears – usually the corresponding side works best -and just make a whirl with your wrist while pointing that index finger and voilá! The universal sign for, you get it.

I had a feeling he wasn’t over it. It didn’t take long before I put Ben under the category of divorced men who escape into online dating in order to “find someone” not as a their new found romance but as a substitute for pricey, yet ineffective and boring. This is how I see men who discuss their previous relationships to stangers too soon or too quick : if they can’t keep their private life on their own, how much of your private life, once you’re together can they keep? If he doesn’t make it down the road with me, I sure will be the subject of his anecdotes in the not so distant future too. The pressure was on all of a sudden on me…And I didn’t quite like it.

Before anything, I pigged out like the next Miss Universe would if she was in front of the United Nations delegates.

With finesse.

The wine bottle he brought was a 10-year old Bourdeaux which, if I’m not mistaken, he could almost ask me for a Yelp review. He was waiting for me to make a comment about whether or not I liked it or it was just a, “Meh.”. To be honest I couldn’t care any less and I am pretty sure I have had better wine that would be much cheaper than what he had brought. 

“Would you like to split?” I offered when the bill came. He shook his head and he paid. 

“Best feed your therapist, if not I shall send you the bill.” I spoke in my head.

We left the restaurant and walked around for a little while when he started to look for a foot massage.

“At  this hour ?” I asked him.

“I kinda have been wanting my feet massaged.” He replied.”Haven’t you had a foot massage before ?”

“Not at 10 in the evening.” 

He insisted to look for the place he told me he had been to. Like a 10-year-old kid who drags his mom to see real-life Pokémon at the zoo. It just isn’t happening. He keeps walking to that direction anyway and here I was, like a metal to a magnet, followed him. Ugh!!!

He cannot seem to find the fucking foot massage parlor!!!

We Yelp it to find out the massage place closed at 7 PM every night.

This is when I start imagining myself pulling my hair, rolling my eyeballs upward, taking slow breaths, and telling myself, “It will be over soon.”

Cut The Pillar

It became clear to me that Tim33 and Charles may actually really be conniving against me. It was impossible that I was seeing Charles the next day for dinner and he was inviting me over for pesto and wine for a strong possibility of, “Let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on.” and Tim33 strongly insisting on seeing me despite the fact that I may still be sick to just be coincidental.

Anyway, after Tim33’s text that Wednesday evening, I set myself to canceling the dinner with Charles considering that he may only be after the sex and that he may not really be a relationship material. Take note, I’m not on this online gig for the badonkadonk. Despite the fact that Charles’ profile mentions that “I am here for some serious thing”, after all that spicy texting that we have exchanged over the last 36 hours,

“I like anal very much”, 

“Would you like it if I called you a slut while I fucked you?”,

“I haven’t don’t threesome but I would like to try that very much.”,

“I’d like to see your mouth around my cock right now and look at your face as I cum in inside your mouth.”,

those were all Charles. If any, I may have faulted by saying that, “I would like to give you a blowjob right now if you are inside your cop car. I have not done that before and that would be something in my bucket list. So hot.” 

“Ugh. Why did I fucking say that?” I asked myself after texting him back because I’m sure that I sent him a lot of signals. Later on I was sending this message that he was giving me a lot of bad thoughts in my head. “Bad, bad, boy.” I said.

All of these could be leading that because I could not forget the fact that physically, Charles was kind of hot and I wanted to imagine that he may have a body like Henry Cavill or than younger Franco, despite the fact that I mentioned earlier that he was a little bit like Andy Cohen when he spoke. 

Now going back to Tim33. It was set that Thursday I was going to see him. We made an agreement that I was going to let him know how I was feeling on Thursday morning so that he would know what time to pick me up by Thursday afternoon. Charles was going to pick up stuff from the store to make some pesto and a bottle of wine to make for dinner. I was wondering, “was he going to make pasta and pesto?” Charles is Italian, by the way.” He has this New Jersey accent that reminds me of Danny DeVito if he had a gay tendency. At 11:38 late at night on Wednesday, I sent a message to Charles that I had an emergency and had to cancel dinner for Thursday. He was slightly devastated and sent me a message saying, “you can’t make it tomorrow night?” . I told him that I had a meeting tomorrow evening that I may come out of that meeting later than our dinner date and I don’t want to make him wait so late so I have to cancel our dinner. “Maybe next week then.” He replied. 

Thursday morning I tell Tim33 that I was feeling better. He tells me that “is able to get out of work as early as 3 o’clock in the afternoon today.” . Now that the dinner date with Charles has been canceled completely, I had no problems seeing Tim33 although I was really not looking forward to seeing him. Tim33 compared to Charles has been attentive and really sweet BUT if my hunch is right, because there is a consistency with his messages and peculiarity with the awful pictures that he’s been sending then I am better off with this crater-face (No Country For Old Men, remember??).

Moist Caterpillar, remember?

Good lawd, why did I even remind myself of that?

“Oh good, I think I may be able to get ready early if that is the case.” I sent him a text message as soon as he tells me that you can get out of work by 3 PM.

“Will that be better for you?” He replies and tells me that he will be leaving The conference that he is at in 30 minutes which is an hour away from where I was. That message was sent at 1:30 in the afternoon. If my calculation was right he was about to get to my location at 3 o’clock. I told him that I should be ready by 4 PM.

“Perfect!” He texts me. So 4 PM it is. I set myself to be ready by 4 o’clock. 

Charles sends me a message at 2 PM and asked me how my day is going, “Everything is going well,” I replied to him, “I still don’t know how I would be able to get out of this meeting that I will be at tonight. However I have already canceled out our dinner.”

“Well I will only be sitting and relaxing at home, watching TV in case anything changes.” He replies back.

Then at 3 PM I received a text from Tim33 “Oops, i’m not gonna be picking you up at 4 PM. I will be picking up at 5 PM.” No explanations, no apologies. Just like that. 

“I thought 4 PM was perfect?” I thought to myself. After thinking for two minutes, I looked back at my phone and without any ado, I didn’t bother replying to Tim33. Instead, I block his caller ID from contacting me. If it’s possible to block the memory of his limp penis’ sensation on my palm, I would do it too. In fact that would be my priority to block. I am serious. I have never been more serious. If my hand had a pair of eyes under the blanket at that time, they would choose to unsee that thing, I’m positive.

The day after that, Tim33’s profile becomes active again online and I immediately block his messages and hide him so that he cannot see me and he cannot contact me on OkCupid. Charles and I still text each other up to today. As a matter of fact, he tried to lure me into possibly spending Halloween with him by wearing my Halloween costume and going to his place. He was truly sold that I was going to be a Nicki Minaj for Halloween. Fuck, I don’t even have money to spend on our wig. I mean, I do, but I am not wasting it on that. 

Today, he asked me if I had any Halloween parties to go to and when I told him that I was going to stay home he was a bit surprised. I told him that I don’t go to wild parties anymore. He said that he’s the same… somehow I kind of felt that he may just be reciprocating what I’m trying to say.

Men tell women what they like to hear. That is often how men get what they want from us. We let them. We like to hear those, they know it. It’s dumb, it’s crazy.

As long as crazy doesn’t hurt anyone, then it’s all good.

Cop Block Cock

By Monday morning, Tim33 was oblivious to his cock-me-not skills and continued to call me his “My GF, doing today?”. I response and reciprocate knowing that IF he was a sensible adult, he should know that no one in his mature cock mind would know that no one becomes boyfriend and girlfriend overnight especially with a semi-thriving appendage.

“Good morning. I am supposing this is where I am supposed to say something clever to get your attention.” 

Charles_7512’s message pops up on top of my screen after my last text exchange my Tim33. The fact of the matter is, Tim33’s real name is Rick. Let’s keep it to Tim33 to lessen confusion. Tim33 is in sales and marketing. He travels A LOT. He carries 2 cellphones with him and according to his online profile, he doesn’t mind time away as he doesn’t want to be accused of being to clingy. 

Charles_7512 was one of the “mutual like” guys. Has 4 pictures 2 with a little girl and one a group of people. Profile reads 5’9, divorced, has kid, not a lot on his “about me” section BUT his sex questionnaire is endless. We chat on and off for the rest of the mid-morning. Charles_7512 is a police officer from the city next to mine. I told him I’m in Sales and Marketing – I mean, isn’t everyone ? At about 2 in the afternoon, he asks me that his schedule freed up and asked if I can meet him up for coffee or drink . “I’m in for coffee,” I said,”I can’t be driving under the influence.” I jokingly said. The tone of the conversation all day was friendly and diplomatic DESPITE the fact that I inserted some leather and fluffy hand cuff innuendos. I actually felt my thigh muscles tighten a little, thinking he might Google search my image and start an ID and try to find me.

He was late. Then again, I lived closer and knew the place better. Somehow that time, it was probably close to 5 o’clock, I was thinking Tim33 may have been on his way to Vegas so I haven’t heard or gotten anything from him since the morning. He is back Tuesday night. Tim33 deactivated his account too. Charles_7512 arrived and we both took a table near the wall at a corner. The moment Charles_7512, Charles in real life, lightened up and started to talk a little bit more, it occurred to me that he sounded a little bit more and reminded me of this somewhat famous talk show host Andy Cohen. YES. He has this flamboyance in his way of talking. Let me say he even mentioned the phrase, “wine-tasting galore” in one of his statements. Maybe that’s why we chatted all the way until 9pm…way until the coffee cups were dry.

He walked me to my car. May I mention that Charles is, compared to Tim33 is way more better looking than his profile picture? He looks like Judge Alex Ferrer if he was a Hollywood actor posing as a Tom Ford signature collection model. Yesssss. He really is about 5’9. Fit and cop-ish. He has a couple of freckles below his right eye that gives him this semi-sexy I-want-to-bite-you-right-there-and-maybe-suck-your-cock-in-the-next-dark-alley kind of sexiness freckles.

Is that considered semi-sexy or just really hot ? At the end of the night, as we stood next to my car, a few cars passed by and we still kept talking about how it was nice to have made it out to coffee. I pulled him away from the road a few times as a few cars would pass by. We hugged again for the last time. “I could actually kiss you right now but I’m not sure what you said in your profile, if you kissed on the first date.” He said. I let him go as I was tempted to kiss him and what a beautiful night may end up elsewhere. We were in a pretty dark parking alley and I am quite sure one of the staff in the Korean restaurant across the street was smoking just a few feet from where we were, listening and watching everything. Charles tells me that he must invite me on a “real date” next time and asks me if I am agreeable to that. That was an easy question.

Sorry Korean staff, no soft-porn-on-dark-alley tonight for you.

Well I get settled at home and I send a text message to Charles that I had a great time and he says the same. At the end of the night I get a text message from Tim33. I was assuming that he was in Vegas. Logging into my online account Charles was logged in and so I wasn’t bothered because heck, so was I. Somehow I was wondering if Tim33 had another account and was spying on me.

Ah.

My allergy got nuked and turned full-on colds by Tuesday. Tim33 sends me a picture of a fake tree art from the Bellagio Tuesday morning while I also text Charles the cop all day. Somehow, there’s something about Tim33 that was slightly off. Typically, guys who I’ve dated in the past who went to conferences sent me pictures of the ballroom or the decors of the symposium, or group pictures with famous people. This one sends me a picture of a tree. A fake one at that. WTF? Later on, he sends me a selfie in the toilet. “So you won’t forget how I look like.” 

Err. I won’t forget.

He then tells me that he isn’t coming back that night. Instead, was coming back Wednesday morning and wanted to see me in the afternoon after work. “OK, I tell him. I will try my best to rest so I can see you.” Trying to concentrate on just looking at the picture he sent me and not the feeling that I felt. Tim33 isn’t that awful of a person. He just gave me that bad feeling in my right hand. Following a series of make-out sessions, one would not anticipate a gummy bear in one’s hand.

The supreme talk with Charles and I started when I asked him about one of his questionnaire answers of possibly allowing someone to licking his butthole. Eventually, that lead to IT. Being married for 21 years and now divorced, this man, although stating in his profile that he is looking for the serious thing is really looking for some A-1 action. It’s like he’s one of those bears that’s been in a zoo for 20 years and is now in the wild. Or who is that tortoise who saved his species by because he is just so promiscuous ? Not sure if it’s the same thing but you get the picture.

This Mr. “Po-po”vich has done it, loves it and wants threesome, doesn’t know what badonkadonk means and now that knows it, wants it. He wants someone he can “explore” with further. So he invited me for dinner and said he would cook for me Thursday night. I thought that since Tim33 was coming home Wednesday, I can work it out with Charles on Thursday. I was sick as a dog on Tuesday and I was really hoping to be better on Thursday. Charles is really charming and I was only looking forward to his company again. The sex that may follow – not sure if he is skilled or not – may just be a bonus.

Wednesday morning. Still sick but better. Tim33 texts me and asks me if I feel better or the same. “Still the same, baby” I replied. I had no intentions of really seeing him. He wanted me to be in his place after work. To me that’s spending time with a caterpillar again. No mention of any dinner whatsoever. By 3 pm I ultimately cancelled to see him saying I was not feeling well. I asked him to call me so he can hear how I sounded. In reality, I did sound harsh. He did and he told me he was going to miss me but he wants me to rest. He said if I felt better tomorrow, he can most probably see me then.

Hah. Now something told me it’s either I was being paranoid because I knew I was seeing Charles tomorrow night or Tim33 and Charles knew each other and were trickster fuckfarts conniving with each other against me!!!

“I really feel bad that I didn’t get to see you tonight so I don’t care. I will see you tomorrow no matter what.” Tim33 texts me in the middle of dinner on Wednesday. 

The fuck?

A Working Tool

This time around, I tell myself that I shouldn’t really be putting that much importance to match ratings and physical attributes when looking at a profile. I mean, meeting all those guys! I don’t think that I’ve met so many but I’ve learned so far, and also learning from my non-online relationships over the last 10 years that if couples really wanted relationships to last, well heck, it involves hard work, acceptance and communication.

Communication means a lot of honesty, if not ALL honesty. So be ready to be told that you’re not really the smartest Alec in the room, or that yes, I had sex with your father in your car but it’s a big mistake, I’m sorry about it really and I sincerely apologize. 

Of course, I had sex with not one of my ex’es fathers ever. Or none that I can recall. 

Shit.

So back to where I started, I am now “liking” profiles based on what I read and what I see. For example, here’s X who seems to be 5/10 on the “Brad Pitt” factor but we match say, 89% and his profile reads that he likes Shawshank Redemption, mentions Last Week Tonight, horror movies, and “lives in the moment”. Doesn’t mention “going to the gym” more than once or doesn’t mention it at all. Has at least 4 pictures that show of himself smiling (full-body, preferably clothed and of course, not obese) . Geez, I’ve even been swiping right on bearded gizmos. 

Here’s the catch, I learned that guys, even women who mention “I don’t like drama” are typically those that are oozing with a life that mimic that of telenovelas. I have been somehow on the close watch for those in my scouting.

So here, previously I’ve recounted that there were profiles that I liked who mutually liked mine. In not so long, Tim33 and Charles_7512 sent me messages. Tim33’s profile picture is a selfie of himself which looked like a headshot. His other picture showed of him in his car. He resembles Javier Bardem if he was homeless. I meet up with Tim33 for coffee in the afternoon. “Did you just ask me out?” I ask him through text. “Yes, I did. Tell me where and I will be there.” Was his response. The cafe I recommended was the Starbucks a block from my house. When I got there, he was standing next to a table outside as if he was lost. He was definitely shorter than 5’10. More like 5’7. Isn’t that surprising? —> feel free to raise an eyebrow here.

After meeting him that time, he asks me out for a “real date” and said dinner. We eventually end up watching a movie. Before we said good-bye, this is where we started kissing in my car. OK, I said to myself, he’s not THAT bad of a kisser.  Date #3, I had a feeling that he was counting forward to make it to this one. Sushi lunch, 2 dishes. A little tacky, I think. I was really ready to split this one BUT not really. When the bill arrived, since it was only 2 dishes, I let him pay. We spend a little more time drinking green tea and laughing a little bit about South Park and politics and decided to walk out of the restaurant. It was such a nice day too but I was definitely having the worst allergy attack. I almost sneezed out my entire booger reserves for next spring.

Driving back, he asked me if I would like to go to his place and watch a movie since it was only 3 in the afternoon. As nonchalantly as possible I told him “Oh, OK, that sounds like a good plan.”. For a moment there it seemed like my response ignited a switch in this guy that was driving next to me that he turned up the music in the car. I’m not quite sure what artist it was but it sure was metal on metal.

His place is one of these newer apartments similar to the ones that are made for tech people. It’s a complex built around the Silicon city so people don’t drive for something-something long commute just to get to work. While we begin making out in his couch, he asks me if want to get “more comfy” in his bedroom. To prove that he is mighty strong too, he carries me there. “Please don’t drop me, good, good, lawd!!!” I said in my head. We get to his bedroom and all clothes off for me, I start to wonder why I don’t feel any of that familiar bump or hump that I run into from my partner normally (don’t we, ladies??) during pre-coitus. Tim33 could be limp up to now? I mean I have been called I look like a pornstar here and I have been told I am a pornstar not so long before this. No, no. This is not me.

Anyway. Tim33 turns on the AC and says he is getting hot. The he pulls over the comforter… what the fuck? “This is getting really freaky annoying and hilarious, I’m ready to ask him.” I was thinking to myself but held on. He moves on top of me and asks me, “Can you be my girlfriend?” At the heat of the moment, with this stranger, the worst thing one can possibly do is offend him. “Yes.” I said and wondering why, despite all this boobage pressed below him doesn’t make the magic Mike appear on top of my thighs. “So can I mark my spot?” He says and plants a hickey on my right breast. It ends up looking like a bruise. I reach down between his thighs and we start kissing. His penis is, I’m going to have to take a slight deeper breath and I’m going to suggest you do too if you’re still reading, barely fitting my entire palm. I stroke it to make it “feel better” and so it pays attention. While stroking it and putting a little pressure, I feel it get wet and I wasn’t quite sure if he was moaning from pleasure or from something else…quite sure it was from pleasure. He is a man. “It’s time.” I say in my head, “it’s now or never, his penis doesn’t work.” So I let go of the caterpillar and he senses it as a sign to move on top of me. I grab it again to guide it towards my hole that’s always ready for what’s in store. I always aim to please. A caterpillar “may not pass” like Gandalf to the ghouly ghouls. It’s just not possible.

His excuse was “I cannot make love to you because I know I will explode in 3 seconds.” 

Please. Explode in your ass.

Cupid Strikes

Here I am about a few years after that initial encounter with deceitful Tom Cruise from EH. Just thinking about the experience again makes me cough out this thick phlegm out of my windpipe.

So let’s stop there already.

I’m still single and mingling yet again online with a squadrillion of men on OKCupid. Initially I decided on paying for the membership. I met this 50-something fireman with kids and did yoga ,  was also doing other physical athletic activities that were too much for my liking.  He was too busy and was looking for someone who would jump the mountain with him. Maaaaan,  come on. I put your fire out. Don’t make me do cartwheels and climb Mt. Shasta afterwards too. I like to do activities I enjoy like hip-hop dancing, fast-walking and swimming. Anyway,  he is dating an Asian woman who,  accdoring to him, shares the same hobbies as he does but is a little VANILLA. 

VANILLA?  So this was a new word for me at the time. Fireman then tells me that he wants to be with other women too, that he would like to try other “dishes”. I honestly pity the women guys like him end up being with. Then again, I am guessing as long as he never becomes unfaithful and he remains to make her happy. He tells me that this is typical of most men. Fireman and I are friends on facebook. I see him and her girlfriend (oh she is gummy – you know, when she smiles,  her gums are wider than her teeth?  Just my observation.) 

After Fireman,  I continue to chat with guys on the annoying site. Swipe. Swipe. Swipe. 

I edit my profile here and there, answer more questions. 

I meet some guys who are totally weird and some that are friendly. 

One dude was so hilarious, each of his messages made me pee my pants, I had to bring extra undies to work. However, when I stated going to his apartment that was actually close to the beach and we were about to have sex…  Guess what?  His Penis won’t work. 

That is just not hilarious anymore. 

I canceled automatic renewal of my membership. 

Presently, my profile is more subdued. Serious and straight-to-the-point “I’m looking for someone who really looks as his age and with a pecker that isn’t frail”. I have re-answered a few questions and have “liked” a few guys who somehow mutually liked me.  Hmm.  

My deal-breakers : bad breath , body odor, arrogance, extreme sarcasm, apathy, facial hair

Turn on : affection,  compassion, kindness,  sense of humor,  integrity, clean face, 

Tonight I am tentatively meeting with Steve, a doctor, who loves to mountain climb and drink wine. He seems to be centered and really down-to-earth, with a sense of humor and lives fairly close to me. 
So far from our interactions I have given him 6.5/10… He’s not very sweet and affectionate. That’s my biggest deal in a partner – Mr. Darcy learned that quick. 

Therapy

The dinner date and meeting with Steve was alright. Not spectacular but he was pretty chill. I wish he didn’t :

1. Talk about negatives about his ex. He called his ex “a nutjob”. I think in a divorce or in a dissolution of marriage, whatever both of the parties did, something made the relationship not work out. I am not your relationship expert but unless it is something really serious, both of the parties can do something to make the marriage work out. I’m still a hopeless romantic that a vow is well – hey don’t make any you can’t keep.
2. Talk about his online dates and the experience he’s had there – that’s very cliché already and I really try to avoid that. Really ? There’s already too many things to talk about. During the Spanish tapas dinner, Steve remarked that one of the women he met at the site called him one day and “asked me what I was wearing…at 10 o’clock in the morning! ” Now me,  enjoying my,  well, warm and delicious duck confit with sweet potatoes begin to realize where the conversation was going, took a sip of some water to try to spit out a “Uh-oh! ” and reached for some of the scallops. Steve then proceeded to mention that this same girl started to “masturbate on the phone! “. In my head I tried to think about oceans and palm trees, chocolate truffles and fountains. “Well,  you know some guys really would get s hang of that…. “
3. I felt like a therapist in a way…

On the other hand, he brought a 10-year-old bottle of wine. It was a Bourdeaux and it tasted pretty good. Rich.  Really,  I would’ve not been able to afford the damn bottle.   I’ll give it a seven out of 10 though. He also paid for dinner and he had a pretty good sense of humor. I offered to split it and he refused. I felt sooooo relieved ! That was savings for me. Dinner would’ve costed me $45 had I given my share. He made me decide where to go and I said that we should go to the Spanish tapas place at the end of the street which also played great salsa music. He wanted to go to another place next to it and later on changed his mind and made me decide. Gentleman. He’s cool for that.

We left the restaurant and ended up at a novelty place. We walked a little bit and it started to rain. I am not sure if there was any chemistry … and then! All of a sudden he thought about getting foot massages. I looked at the time it was already 10 o’clock in the evening. I asked myself “Who gets foot massages at this hour?” It’s a good thing that the foot spa place he was referring to was already closed. “I could really get a foot massage at this time” he said. 

Oh,  we went to a Chinese grocery store and for a moment there, at the tea aisle he stopped and looked into my eyes for the longest time that it felt a little awkward.  Was he trying to say something? He encouraged me to get some rose tea and chamomile tea… I’m a dummy and bought a bag each for $7.89.

We were walking more and then decided that it was time to get back to the cars. He walked me to my car and I think he was a little bit confused as to where he parked his. That was really odd. 

I drove off with The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill playing in my car. 

At this point I’m not sure if I should see him again. First of all, I am not sure if we share any similar interests besides wine. I honestly can go on living without drinking wine. Wine drinking is a pretty expensive lifestyle. That is truth. 
He’s pretty cute in person. He does seem like he has very good values. But how long will that last? And when am I going to have a job?
It’s time to go to sleep and welcome the weekend. Nevertheless, it was worth meeting Steve. He’s 5’5, btw.

JOHN

The advent of my adventures in online dating began roughly 10 years ago with a rather popular online dating website.  Of course, I was much younger then,  my hair was almost like hair that comes out of a fresh ear of corn …  that part that everybody treats like pubes only mine was straight.

That’s when I met John out of nowhere . Well it was at Starbucks.  I can’t remember what his username was anymore, it was such a long time ago.  All I know  was that he is taller than me by over a foot and he always wore Harley Davidson shirts and was “voluntarily bald”. I also remember that he had body hair like “dear lawd baby Jesus don’t let him sweat so much while we bang”.  

It was my first time to meet anyone online in person but I wasn’t sure if it was his first. It may not have been his first because it seems like he appeared to be pretty relaxed .  We ended the conversation with a hug  and the following weekend he picked me up again to go winetasting.  We made out inside the limo on our way home.  That led to a two year relationship with John. It was a long distance relationship, however, because John was  from out of town . I am from West Coast California and he is way over the East Coast.  Fast-forward to two years, my relationship with John ended when I found out that he was married.

So my first experience with online dating was a disaster. I wondered why people even bother doing that. Whatever happened to meeting people the natural way? I continued working and try to forget about John and  he eventually got divorced.  He would  sometimes get a hold of me and tell me that he went back to online dating and had met this Asian woman and had started dating again! Imagine that.  At one point in time, he would drunk dial me and asked me for forgiveness and asked if I would ever take him back.

Honestly,  it took me a while to move on after John.  I rebounded on one guy a few months after. It was not fair. A few months after that I was finally able to live my life again.  That was 2006, I was 29. From 2007 to 2009, my social life revolved around event planning for parties, hanging around with my friends, working , and mostly  working on meeting people – men –  in the real world.

That didn’t pan out well.  On the days that I was at work, it was not very tantalizing  to flirt around clients and their families plus it was not my routine to date my coworkers.  At this stage, most of them are younger than me anyway. I prefer men  that were at least five years older than me and preferably heterosexual AND not  reeking of  fresh folders and essence of hand sanitizers.  At the end of the day, it was back at home and there was no one to talk to except of course the same people that I was talking to back at work,  latest time through text messaging or through Facebook.

Oh, my children ARE home but they were always swamped with stuff.

Bottom line is, at the start of 2010, I ventured back into online dating  as if it was Avon or Amway having a big sale.   This time, I avoided the same website where I met John.

“Holy fuck! What is up with this so many questions?” I remember asking myself when I saw thee questions that you have the answer before you can even see your matches.  I answered all of them anyway. These questions are supposed to help you find your matches. So I did them. Months after I became a member of this dating website,  I decided to meet one of them. He was a man who lives about 45 minutes away from me. He invited me for coffee and to go watch a movie. I said, “oh wow,  he looks like Tom Cruise !” the moment I saw one of his pictures in his profile.

“Heee! I better  dress up for this!” I said to myself. So I got ready and headed over. He sent me the address to his house  and looking on the GPS stating that the house was to the left side, I see this man wearing gray sweats waving at me as if to point where to park my car. He was about as short as I was , (I am a  petite 5’2 )  almost looking like a midget with the sweats he was wearing . I totally imagined my face turning ash-gray and my eyes all black (or maybe white…whatever looks more freaked out).  His house is the Mecca of where-the-fuck-do-you-sit-down?  Total mess.  I was breathing with my mouth open in my head. He then tells me he has been battling with depression… He didn’t look the part. We had coffee and *gulp* a movie. 

I ran home like my ass was on fire. 

Tom Cruise my ass.

Two different online dating sites. Oh, I’ve met a few more men here and there. One guy must’ve been talking to a few other girls and didn’t know what OR who he wanted he just wanted. 

I have early Alzheimer’s.

I think. However I can pretty much recall these online dating snafus I get on! I mean they have not ALL been THAT horrible but hey,  I think they are worth the read. 

2011-2014 I took a little break from this Match.schlong / EHarm.me shindig as I was meeting guys in the “natural world” like a real primate. 

FFW 2015. Ohhhh. Oh. Oh. Oh. 

 

 

First blog post

This is your very first post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post. If you like, use this post to tell readers why you started this blog and what you plan to do with it.